I've Got it, Holy Rollovers! An Amendment Banning Divorce!

They're here, they spread fear, get used to it. After all, Another Justice Sunday wrapped up for the second time around. And so, now knowing full well that marriage is what's holding the very fiber of this nation together, I've come up with an idea to save our threadbare throngs of evildoers from moral turpitude ~ A Constitutional Amendment to ban ALL divorces! Can't you see the host of problems this proposed amendment would solve? Just take a look-see:

~ IN OUR NEW DIVORCELESS DREAMWORLD ~

We Would Bolster the Economic "Recovery!"

Yes, just think of all the revenue we could generate through banning divorce as we rebuild our nation's moral fiber! States could require pastoral counseling whenever there's a hint of trouble in a marriage. Separations would be expensive, and limited to renewable ninety day periods. Any spouse who leaves the bonds of holy matrimony would be charged with criminal abandonment. That would pour more money into our already partially privatized prison system! New county clerks would have to be hired. More lawyers and accountants would be brought into the picture. Oh, it would be a kind of heaven here on earth!

We Could Invite "The Gays" While Remaining True to The Lord!

You won't need to mess around with state amendments on gay marriage. No! Just let them all have the same opportunity to acquire the legal contract of marriage. That way they'll be subject to the same fines and penalties as the rest of the Holy Rollovers, and say, have ya seen their economic demographics? We're talkin' serious money here! Now, if these "abominable ones" can find a "church" that will "sanctify" their contract, who really cares? They're all goin' to Hell anyway, right? No fuss, no muss, just more BigBux ~

We'd Create a Whole New Level of Media Gossip!

Newspapers and local stations, even cable TV need more advertising revenue, doncha think? With a brand new section listing whose wages are being garnished for adultery, and whose marriage is in trouble, or how many ninety day renewals this or that marriage has gone through, we'd have a money maker for sure, and boy howdy, we'd sure be into everybody's business each and every day!

Building a Bridge to the Thirteenth Century!

By staying true to two of the Ten Commandments (don't go a killin' anyone, and don't ya run around on that drunken idiot yer a married to), the murder/suicide rate should go up a bit, but hey, there's always a price to pay for good fiber, moral or oral. We'll be able to stand tall, and begin meetings with our fundamentalist Muslim brothers and sisters, finding that YES! We've got something in common. By God (and Allah, whoever THAT is), as we reweave the Great Moral America it stands to reason that someday, somehow, we'll be able to sit across the table, Baptist and Shiite, shake hands and chuckle together ~ Wahabi?! ~ Whoah Howdy!

So, I hope all of you had fun at Justice Sunday II, and I sure do hope you've been good enough to get YOUR ticket to Heaven. Remember, there's only 144,000 to go around, so be good, be extree good, not for Christ's sake, but for your own, as we return to a better time, the Happy Daze of Holy Rolloverness.