Fun With History! The Day Karl Slimed Krist

(for background on my take on the Schiavo case, scroll down to the previous entry, or simply click here)

As we approach Easter, let me preface the following textaplay with a clear example of what I mean when I refer to "authentic, private Christians." I have in mind the generosity of spirit, the humble yet humorous honesty, and the keenly observant but never overbearing nature of someone like my friend Mel Holt. His name shouldn't ring a bell with you. He's never tried to promote himself as a pundit for the Prince of Peace. Mel is a songwriter, the former accountant for a non profit foundation, and co-founder of the independent record label, Step One Records (SOR). The label has since changed hands several times, eventually falling into bankruptcy. But when Mel made things happen, recording artists like Ray Price, Buddy Emmons, Floyd Cramer, Clinton Gregory, and others released records on SOR, many with a "Mel song" or two thrown in as an album cut.

When Mel's health began to fail awhile back, the people he had touched were hard to find, outside of his wife, family, and a few close friends. Many people who had profited from Mel's generosity never paid him a visit in the hospital or nursing home, never bothered to repay a penny of their longstanding debts to him, never threw him a bone after having exploited his good nature and his pocketbook during the days when Mel worked at SOR, even as his wife struggled to keep things afloat during his prolonged illness. Happily, the last I heard, Mel and his wife had moved to the home of another family member, and he's doing the best he can to gather his exceptional human spirit and find a little peace during his final days. His life's example is that of a true Christian. One who understands and follows what perhaps is Christ's most valuable contribution - the bone-deep softening of the hardball monotheism of his time through forgiveness, redemption, and the availability of his god's teachings to everyone, no matter how meager their station in life. Mel is a Christian. An "authentic, private" Christian.

A good resource for any thoughtful Christian curious to search beyond the dogma is The Joseph Campbell Foundation. (recommended starter reading: The Power of Myth, and Reflections on the Art of living: A Joseph Campbell Companion)

Now, on with the show!

The Day Karl Slimed Krist (a textaplay by the Heathen Monk)

[From the Playbill]

The Players:

Karl Rover (corn-fed, self-satisfied, comfortable behind the throne)

Karen Howard-Hughes (no-nonsense, tough as they come, humorless outside her private circle of friends)

Grover Norquit (famous for his work trying to kill bipartisanship at both federal and state levels)

Charles Jarbiz (head of USA Nixed, a hardball propaganda wing of the ReThuglican Party)
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It's December, 2006. The mid-term elections haven't gone well for the Republicans in either chamber of Congress. While holding onto a slim majority in the Senate, seats were lost, and in the House all of the targeted Democrats won re-election, and their Party picked up some unexpected new seats as well. White House strategists are in crisis mode. There's a legacy to protect. There's a base to lose. There's a lot of dirty work that needs to be done. And that's where Karl shines. After all, he's cut from the same cloth as pre-cancerous Lee Atwater. And Karen? The UnWarm and Fuzzless? She's all bidnez, and she knows Texas politics like the back of her hand. They meet in one of many "safe rooms" in the bowels of The Old Executive Office Building
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KARL: You ready to do this?
KAREN: Ready as I'll ever be.
KARL: Okay, lemme see that list of archaeologists - ya know, the one we talked about?
KAREN: Gotcha. Here 'tis. All grant-hungry, registered Democrats, and a few of 'em from those hippie schools in California.
KARL: Great, friggin' great!

(Karl looks over the list and the attached synopses of each person's grant application, while Karen pulls out her personal day planner and makes some notes. Karl then checks the names of several people on the list)

KARL: Let's try to go with one of these boys from California. We need to couple "California liberal" with "registered Democrat" if we're gonna make things stick. And of course, we've gotta go with an ongoing dig. Don't have time to start some new search for antiquities. It'd smell fishy anyway...
KAREN: I agree. I've got the grad student lined up for us. You know, the one who'll help the professor with his new "discovery." He'll plant the "scroll" at one of the sites on our list, discover it, hand it over to the professor, and then give us a media-friendly testimonial after the "forgery's" been made public - I believe we've got that scheduled for news cycle 3.
KARL: Does he have an honest face?
KAREN: Pure as the driven snow.
KARL: Okay. Let's see here. Our friends have already begun "renditioning" the Iraqi Christian scholar who lost his brother when their shop was burned down in Baghdad. He'll be our talking points translator and scroll scribe.
KAREN: Check.
KARL: And Grover and Chuck are chompin' at the bit to roll this sucker out. Now, after a lot of this and that, we've decided to go with the "Mormon Model" for "authenticity." That Hoffman kid had some balls, didn't he?
KAREN: Bigger'n Billy Sol Estes!
KARL: (chuckles) Allright. Let's go over the talking points of the Scroll one last time...

THE DEAD DEMS SCROLL

(dead silence as both read the talking points, flipping pages in unison)

The Birth of Krist

The Scroll suggests that Mary was pregnant by another man other than Joseph. Word of her affair had already spread through the grapevine. That was the real reason Mary and Joseph were turned away at the inn. But to his credit, Joseph had stayed true to Mary, forgiven her adultery, and found a kindly soul with a small barn where they could stay until the baby was born.

Krist's Early Life

The family was poor. No one from either side had ever become a rabbi or a merchant. Krist was left to follow in his father's footsteps as a carpenter. Translation: blue collar, red-stater, with no real ambition at the time. Mostly self-taught in religion, he pulled himself up by his bootstraps and became a religious scholar.

The Missing Years & Krist's Transfiguration

Where did Krist go and what did he do during the missing years? The Scroll suggests he had decided to make a better life for himself and his family by attempting to carve out a living along the major trade routes of the time. However, he may have fallen in with the "wrong crowd," a small group of mystics who turned Krist on to the organic hallucinogens available at the time. From these experiences came Krist's epiphany, which was far too real, too deep, to keep to himself. He returned to his homeland, and began preaching in Galilee. Word of the new Messiah spread throughout the land. And soon it was time to confront the church elders in Jerusalem.

The Crime and The Crucifixion

Arriving back in Jerusalem, both the rabbis and the Romans were alarmed by the "mob of the unwashed" or "uppity peasants" who followed Krist wherever he went. He stirred up terrible acts of civil disobedience among the faithful. The Scroll suggests Krist became drunk on wine, and while full of himself, went to the synagogue and trashed the moneychangers' tables. This was clearly a felony. A trial or two was in order.

At Krist's trials he refused legal representation, reminding us of the old saying, "A man who represents himself has a fool for a client." It soon became apparent that he could not or would not save himself. He was crucified. The Scroll suggests that many people felt Krist got what he deserved for his crimes and his blasphemies. But his new, liberal teachings were too strong to ignore. He became a martyr, and the Cult of Krist was born.

Sources

The Life of Jesus Christ, by James M. Stalker
Parallels Between Jesus and Horus, an Egyptian God
Various other "liberal" references from ReligiousTolerance.Org

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(Karl breaks the silence)
KARL: Looks pretty damned good to me.
KAREN: I don't see any problems we can't explain away.
(Karl picks up one of two phones on the table, dials, and reaches Grover, whose voice is altered to prevent identification)
KARL: Grover, is that you?
GROVER: Yes it is.
KARL: What's the password, buddy?
GROVER: Peter Cottontail.
KARL: Allrighty then. We've settled on the plan. Are you and your people ready to light the fuse in the state legislatures?
GROVER: Primed and ready to fire on your go-ahead.
KARL: Great! I'll get back to you in the next few days. Oh, and Grover, you know we couldn't have done this without you. Your network is the central nervous system of our efforts here.
GROVER: Thanks, Karl. Coming from you that means a lot.
(Karl hangs up, muttering "asshole" to himself, Karen chuckles. Karl picks up the second phone and dials)
KARL: Chuck, is that you?
CHARLES: Hi Karl, yeah it's me!
KARL: Are you on a secure line?
CHARLES: You betcha.
KARL: We're almost done here. Are your people ready for pre-production?
CHARLES: Ready and waiting!
KARL: Great! We'll be in touch, pal. Seeya -
(Karl hangs up the second phone, rubs his hands together and says to Karen)
KARL: That does it! Are you ready to eat?
KAREN: Does a horned toad spit blood?
KARL: I've got just the place. They make a chicken-fry almost as good as the Broken Spoke back home.
KAREN: Mighty fine, let's hit it...

(Both rise to leave, heading for the door)
KARL: Democrats are soooo easy!
KAREN: (chuckles) Yeah. This is one Easter egg hunt the fuckers will never forget!

(Fade to black as the door closes behind them. Curtain falls as Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" begins playing. At the appropriate, dramatic pause in the last chorus, a large American flag is unfurled above and in front of the curtain.) [End of Scene One]

(A brief description of Scene Two)

3 families are shown, gathered around the TV. Each family is watching a different phase of the news cycles as the Story of the Scroll unfolds.

Family 1, Cycle 1: They're watching the exciting news of the Scroll's "discovery," accompanied by music and the graphics, "Discovery! The True Story of Krist?"

Family 2, Cycle 2: They're witnessing the brief custody battle over access to the Scroll. The whole family leans forward towards the TV when they hear of the executive order by BoyGeorge to allow access to all qualified theologians, "for the sake of mankind." Preliminary translations start to bring skeptics into the picture.

Family 3, Cycle 3: They're glued to the new theme and graphics, " Forgery Exposed! Scholar Smears the Savior!" As the FoxHounds are set loose on the story, a "battle stations" alert begins to sound, and in bright red letters above the stage, in sync with the alert, read the words:

DEMOCRATS ARE THE AGENTS OF THE DEVIL!

END OF SCENE: The alert and message fade as the lights come up to reveal a riser behind the families with a mock-up that includes the small steps leading up into a Gulfstream jet. A uniformed MP stands guard. To his left is our Iraqi scholar, now in handcuffs. Standing next to him is a "mystery man" in plainclothes and sunglasses. To their left is the wife of the scholar. He's allowed to embrace her as he says goodbye. The mystery man places a large roll of bills in the wife's hand, places his other hand over hers, now clutching the money, and gives her an "everything's gonna be okay" nod. He and the scholar turn to step up into the Gulfstream for "de-briefing" as the MP slowly escorts the weeping wife away from the plane.

(Fade to black, curtain slowly falls as The Beatles' "A Day in the Life" begins to play) [End of Scene Two]

[End of textaplay]

In my judgment, if Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, BoyGeorge, Brother Jeb, and others can cynically exploit the Terri Schiavo case for political gain, including a naked threat to Democrats (and moderate Republicans) from DeLay which said, in essence, "don't screw with us on this one or we'll nail your ass in the mid-terms," and if The Boy could lie through his teeth like he did during his 2005 State of the Union Address, it's not too much of a stretch to imagine Karl Rove, Karen Hughes, and the gang exploiting Christ himself in 2008 in order to protect the Bush legacy should things backfire on them in 2006.

This Easter, I'll be thinking of the life and times of Christ. I'll also be thinking of some others who were killed for their beliefs and their work. "They" killed Martin Luther King, Jr. "They" killed Medgar Evers. "They" killed Malcom X after he'd converted from the Nation of Islam to true Islam. "They" killed John and Bobby Kennedy. And John Lennon was killed by yet another "loner" right here in America. If you think of these individuals as nothing more than adulterers, "agitators," and drug-addled hippies, if you're a hard-nosed "right to lifer" or a firm believer in the "culture of life," then I've got one thing left to say to you - "This Blog's NOT For You!"
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Disturbed by the theme or use of language in this entry? Visit the overview at The Human Trust for a comprehensive explanation.
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Copyright 2005, The Heathen Monk. All rights reserved. Including all Grand Rights afforded the author.