Jack Splat ~ The FatCats' Pajamas!

Like Jagger sang in "Street Fighting Man,"..."tell me what can a poor boy do, 'cept to sing for a rock & roll band," what can a poor SuperLobbyist do 'cept to sing for Uncle Sam? Oh Jack ~ we hardly knew ye...come to think of it, we hardly knew what you were up to.

Jack Abramoff, once the King of K Street, has a tough decision to make, now that his co-defendant, Adam Kidan, has begun to unload his own gordian knot of Tales From the BackRoom. Oh, but that's not the whole story, now is it, Jack? Before Mr. Kidan went and Konfessed, there was someone else, in a separate but related court case, now wasn't there? What WAS his name?!

OH! I remember now ~ Michael Scanlon! You remember Mikey, doncha? The former aide to Tom DeCay, ya know..."The Hummer?" Yeah, seems the smiling fella under the umbrella has already spilled his guts. Why, lookie here, Jack - you even made the pages of Science Daily.

As we gently begin our FanTabulous New Year, I just KNOW Jack Splat will do "everything within his power" to come Klean, and do the "right thing." At least, that's what the Houston Chronicle and others are expecting to happen this week.

Gosh, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy, Jack. You've just ensured the complete meltdown of the Republican leadership. The Democrats didn't do it (cuz so many of them are, well - chickenshits). The Media didn't do it (they're still learning how to read from a teleprompter). They're all still catching up to you, Jack. YOU, JACK! You're my hero!

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And here's how I suspect things will come down between now and 2008:

Oh, it's gonna be a rough mid-term election for "Bush Country" Republicans up for reelection. My, my, my...it could even change the balance in the Senate! Goodness gracious me, who's gonna be there to stymie all the investigations, huh?

The Republican majority in the House is sure to get a bit slimmer. And the BlowHards are gonna have to tone things down between now and November. What a cryin' shame.

Should November turn out to be the nightmare I've always dreamed it would be, I believe that The Dick will decide to resign the Vice Presidency sometime in early 2007, for "health reasons," much like folks did way back in them Soviet Union daze.

In a final attempt to display "integrity and leadership," I imagine that BoyGeorge will appoint someone like, say...Senator Elizabeth Dole. Ah yes, the woman who helped ruin the American Red Cross. You remember Libby's Oprah-like, staged informal chat session with all the friendly folks at the 1996 Republican Convention, don't you? It was sooooooooo realistic, in a kind of unrealistic way. And finally, I look forward to that day in January, 2009, when The Boy limps out of office, stops by Crawford on his way to Kennebunkport, and maybe stops for High Mass, has a taste of The Blood, and won't let go of the communion tray, popping shot after shot of that sacred wine, finally losing it, and running from the cathedral shouting, "The Power of Krist Compelled Me!"

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So, thanks Jack. You're a real pal...(ahem)... WERE a great pal.

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UPDATE: 12:30 p.m., CST ~

Abramoff pleads guilty

In the words of sportscaster Barry Tompkins, "How do you like it? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!" Oh ~ somebody PINCH ME! Lookie here at what the LA Times reported a short time ago:

(by LATimes staff writer, Walter F. Roche, Jr.)

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" Abramoff's plea opens up the prospect that he could begin unraveling for prosecutors a web of ties with members of Congress that has for weeks kept officials Washington on edge.

Abramoff would presumably present evidence about favors he provided to some members of Congress and their aides."

Copyright 2006 Los Angeles Times. All rights reserved. Used here for contextual purposes only.

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Read all about it in the Los Angeles Times.

Whee!...