Puddles Gets A Press Pass!

Whee! Hiya boys and girls! It's me - Puddles! (oops) - the Incontinent Clown! And today we're gonna put on our press passes and take a field trip to the Circus! But first, Puddles needs to take his medicine, so close your eyes, kids, while Puddles pops the pills Dr. FeelGood gave him, and then we'll be on our way!

(later that day, near the Capitol)

Oh goodness me oh my - look at The Big Top, boys and girls! (oops) That's the place where all the smart, good people work to make sure you grow up strong and free! Everyone here looks and sounds real important, and they know how to talk through both sides of their mouths - but let's move on, Puddles isn't feeling so well...

(later still, across from the White House)

And here's where the Leader of the Free World lives, boys and girls! (oops) He's almost always up early, just like every good boy and girl, and sometimes he even spends the night here! Why, there's even a room where you can ask him questions, boys and girls - Let's go!

(WH briefing room, Puddles' medicine is wearing off)

Oh boy! Look at all the TV lights, and the cameras, and the fancy podium, boys and girls! This is where the tough, curious, and unrelenting reporters ask all the hard questions to Mr. Scotty and Our Leader! (oops) And they do it so mommy and daddy can make informed decisions, boys and girls! But they're always polite, just like you should be, and they never, ever make Scotty budge from that day's Talking Points! Oh boy, Puddles is startin' to feel a little dizzy, boys and girls - maybe he should sit down for a minute...

(the kids wander off, Puddles takes off his wig, his shoulders sag)

Yeah...whee (oops). This is where reporters sat with straight faces while The Ringer, Mr. Jeff, asked all the loaded questions, and if it weren't for the blogosphere he'd still be here today! Whee...here's where reporters are supposed to ask the tough questions on behalf of mommy, daddy, and all the boys and girls - and who am I kidding? Who are they kidding? Puddles feels sick, boys and girls. Puddles needs to take a nap, just like the rest of America...where'd ya go, kids?

(later that night, in Puddles' rented room)

Think I'll crack the seal on this bottle of Night Train and watch the news! Oh boy - the Grammy Awards are on this weekend! Half the press corps is camped out at the Michael Jackson trial! The baseball steroid scandal is everywhere! And everyone pretends they know who Arthur Miller was! (glug, glug) Well, I'm half drunk and world-weary, boys and girls. Puddles has been through one big upheaval already, back in the 60's and early 70's, boys and girls. But this time it's even worse - one part of one Party runs the circus, and everybody seems to work for the Big Five: GE, News Corp, Time-Warner, Disney, and Viacom. And they don't wanna bite the hand that feeds 'em, boys and girls - their sponsors! So excuse Puddles while he stretches out on the Murphy bed and goes to sleep - the fitful, wine-soaked sleep of a semi-retired clown who used to enjoy getting all made-up for the Three Ring Circus, back when his buddies worked there too. You remember them, doncha boys and girls? (oops) Checks and Balances? They were always Puddles' favorite clowns.